Friday Fable. Lubans’ Seymour and The Gluten Policeman (George Ade* in the Age of Alt.)

Posted by jlubans on July 06, 2017

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Caption: Not Gluten free

At an alternative-to-Christmas fest, our hero - Seymour by name - came face to face with the forces of Gluten-free. The alt.fest featured carol singing on timely topics like Rudolf-the-Red-Nosed-Reindeer losing his way in the smog and acid rain short-circuiting his “very shiny nose”.
Attendees were each asked to bring a dish to share, a la church potluck suppers of yore.
A Newbie, and a latecomer, Seymour missed out on the dinner gong.
Be quick or be hungry, as they say. Well, not exactly hungry if settling for desiccated bean dip of Dubious Background or a Costco container of Organic Hummus scraps, or, the ubiquitous tray of Grape tomatoes and Carrot/Celery sticks fill you up.
But, if lucky, there might be a cornucopia of Dunkin’ Donuts donut holes spilling out of the DD box.
Seymour took a Little of this and a Little of that all the while eyeballing the options.
Aha! He spied the Gluten-Free table – a hanging sign stated so - along the back wall. Things looked promising; definitely more than potato chip crumbs.
So, ever the forager, he moseyed on over. Almost there, a middle aged man – the Gluten-Free Enforcer (GFE) it turned out - bustled up and scanned the Gluten Scraps on Seymour’s plate.
In sententious tones, the GFE told Seymour he could not bring That Plate anywhere near the Gluten-Free table.
Fazed but unrelenting, Seymour assured the GFE he was only Looking and not to worry; just then, out of the corner of his eye, Seymour noted a latecomer slipping past to drop off a heaping plate of cookies and donuts, gluten-free.
So, quickly backtracking into the Gluten Safe Space, Seymour Surreptitiously Stashed his dismal plate of Gluten Grub behind an unsuspecting Jacaranda.
Pivoting, he accelerated back into the Gluten-Free zone. The GFE, on the qui vive, looked askance, as if Seymour were trailing streams of gluten molecules.
When Seymour’s hand closed on a Gluten-Free donut, the GFE came alongside and queried, “Have you washed your hands since handling glutinous products?”
Seymour lied. “Of course” (It sounded more like “Ow Gorse”) as he wolfed down a donut. Alas, not particularly tasty, the flavor peculiar to a Paper Product.
Hmmm, thought Seymour, Maybe these alt.eats were not quite the same as Ye Olde church suppers of Baked Beans and Strawberry Shortcake.
Daunted, he meandered over to a group engaged in rhythmic Self-Expression.
Moral: Always Pack a Pizza in the trunk of your Smart Electric, space permitting.

*More on George Ade.

N.B. My next book, Fables for Leaders, Ezis Press, comes out in September 2017 as an e-book ($2.99) and a soft cover print-on-demand book, ($23.99). The print book will feature original illustrations by the renowned Béatrice Coron.
ISBN: 978-0-692-90955-3
LCCN: 2017908783
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Cover: "Fables for Leaders" PRE-PRINT, 203pp. 2017.

© Copyright John Lubans 2017

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