An A.D.T. (American District Telegraph) Kid carrying a Death Message marked “Rush” stopped in front of a Show Window containing a Picture of James J. Jeffries (a champion boxer) and began to weep bitterly. A kind-hearted Suburbanite happened to be passing along on his Way to the 5:42 Train.
He was carrying a Dog Collar, a Sickle, a Basket of Egg Plums and a Bicycle Tire.
The Suburbanite saw the A.D.T. Kid in Tears and it struck him that here was a Bully Chance to act out the Kind-Hearted Pedestrian who is always played up strong in the Sunday School Stories about Ralph (good) and Edgar (a mischief maker).
“Why do you weep?” he asked, peering at the Boy through his concavo-convex Nose Glasses.
“Oh, gee! I was just Thinking,” replied the Urchin, brokenly.
“I was just Thinking what chance have I got to grow up and be the Main Stem, like Mr. Jeffries.”
“What a perverted Ambition!” exclaimed the Suburbanite.
“Why do you set up Mr. Jeffries as an Ideal? Why do you not strive to be like Me?
Is it not worth a Life of Endeavor to command the Love and Respect of a Moral Settlement on the Outskirts?
All the Conductors on our Division speak pleasantly to Me, and the Gateman has come to know my Name.
Last year I had my Half-Tone in the Village Weekly for the mere Cost of the Engraving.
When we opened Locust avenue from the Cemetery west to Alexander’s Dairy, was I not a Member of the Committee appointed to present the Petition to the Councilmen?
That’s what I was! For Six Years I have been a Member of the League of American Wheelmen and now I am a Candidate for Director of our new four-hole Golf Club.
Also I play Whist on the Train with a Man who once lived in the same House with T. DeWitt Talmage (a famous preacher).”
Hearing these words the A.D.T. Kid ceased weeping and cheerfully proceeded up an Alley, where he played “Wood Tag.”
Moral: As the Twig is Bent the Tree is Inclined.
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Famous for his innovative American slang, Mr. Ade describes someone, a Suburbanite, who could be a forerunner for Sinclair Lewis’ George F. Babbitt (1922).
Have you not met the smug and acquisitive Suburbanite seemingly happy with his circumscribed life? He seeks re-assurance by bragging of his accomplishments.
It need not be the suburbs; it can be a job in any traditional line of work.
The ADT kid is hardly convinced – by the Suburbanite’s encomium to the commuter’s life – to abandon his boxer ideal. Instead, being of a distractible age, he pursues, for the moment, Wood Tag.
What is wood tag? A game in which a player is immune from tagging when touching wood. “Ticky, ticky, touch wood!” is the usual taunt thrown at the IT player.
Note how easily the kid slips away from the Suburbanite’s temptation of safety and security.
The problem with a grownup’s career is the inclination to cling to it (“perverted Ambition”, indeed) instead of letting go for metaphoric games and diversions.
BTW, did the Death telegram ever get delivered?
*Source: FABLES IN SLANG by GEORGE ADE, ILLUSTRATED by CLYDE J. NEWMAN 1914. This fable first appeared in my blog in 2020. Re-reading it, I enjoyed the colorful language so much, that here it is again, considerably revised.
N.B. For other essays on numerous topics on leadership and literature and fables go to my Nucleus archive from 2010-early 2025.
© Copyright commentary by John Lubans 2026